Porn and relationships: when it's a problem and what to do

Some couples don't mind porn. For many others it causes real hurt: hiding, broken trust, a sex life that doesn't feel real any more. Here's how to tell when it's a problem and what to do about it.

Is watching porn in a relationship bad?

It depends on the couple, and on control. In a survey of 3,419 young men, the problem was not just how often they watched. Losing control over it was what went with sexual problems.^[1] The problem signs are hiding it, lying about it, choosing it over your partner, or not being able to stop when you've agreed to.

Porn and your sex life

In a survey of 3,419 young men, 34.5% of the guys who struggled most with porn had erection problems. Among the guys who struggled least: 12.9%.^[1] Doctors have reported young men whose erection problems with a real partner went away after they stopped watching porn.^[2]

Porn and trust

For a lot of partners the hardest part isn't the porn, it's the secrecy. Finding out by accident feels like a betrayal even when the person watching didn't mean it that way.

How to talk about it

• Talk when you're calm, not right after finding something.
• Say what it means to you ("I feel compared", "I feel lied to") instead of attacking.
• Agree on something concrete: blockers on devices, phones out of the bedroom, honesty about slips.
• Get help together if you're stuck: a couples therapist, or porn addiction help.

If you're the one who wants to quit

Shame won't fix it. Research shows guilt and shame about porn go with more distress, not less use. Beating yourself up does not help you stop.^[3] A plan will: how to quit porn. If you're the partner, read what to do when your husband watches porn.

Questions