My husband watches porn: what it means and what to do

Finding out your husband watches porn can feel like a punch in the stomach. It's not your fault, and it doesn't automatically mean the marriage is over. Here's how to think about it and what to do next.

It's not about you

Most men who struggle with porn started long before the relationship. It's usually tied to habits, stress and easy access on a phone, not to anything missing in you.

Is he addicted?

In a survey of 3,419 young men, the problem was not just how often they watched. Losing control over it was what went with sexual problems.^[1] Signs he's lost control: he's promised to stop and couldn't, he hides it, it's affecting your sex life or his sleep and work. The World Health Organization lists compulsive sexual behaviour disorder in ICD-11: a long pattern of failing to control strong sexual urges, causing real distress.^[2]

How to talk to him

• Pick a calm moment, not right after you found out.
• Say how it affects you, and ask for honesty, not a promise to be perfect.
• Ask what he's willing to do: blockers on his devices, phone out of the bedroom, getting help.
• Shaming him usually backfires. Research shows guilt and shame about porn go with more distress, not less use. Beating yourself up does not help you stop.^[3] Clear boundaries work better.

What you can ask for

• A blocker on his phone with a passcode he doesn't know: how it works.
• Honesty about slips, instead of finding out later.
• Professional help if he can't stop: therapists and groups.

Look after yourself too

Partners of people with compulsive porn use often feel shock, anger and self-doubt. A therapist of your own, or a support group for partners, can help whatever he decides.

Questions